Becoming
Personal Readiness for Marriage
We are only responsible for ourselves. I've heard many times that you shouldn't have a list of attributes to find in a partner, but instead use that list to better yourself. You won't find the perfect person, and if you did what would make them interested in you? This page is a compilation of facing our fears and doing the hard things it takes to become a right person for someone.
Fear was Introduced by Satan
My sister is always calling me the brave one, but I don't feel very brave sometimes. I am able to take risks and be bold when I feel I have nothing to loose, but what if there is something to loose? A prime example of this is building relationships. I am an extremely friendly person and will talk to anyone. I've also been the one to ask people on dates and set firm boundaries, but not always. Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't know why. The fear of being rejected by someone I think highly of. This past month I have studied attachment styles thoroughly and found out I have an avoidant attachment style, which might not be a surprise to everyone but me. An avoidant attachment means I value close relationships, but am also uncomfortable with closeness. I like to keep my relationships at an arms length and don't want to be vulnerable. Learning all of this about myself prompted a lot of vulnerable conversations with those closest to me, and also those I'm just starting to build relationships with. Many who have different attachment styles isn't really understand my thinking process and prompted a lot of questions about the root of my fears with moving forward in relationships and closeness. It felt powerful to be introspective and putting my emotions into words helped me better understand myself.
One specific conversation was actually on a third date with someone. I was having this conversation because after learning about my avoidant attachment style I could see how it was already affecting our new forming relationship. On this date, I brought up attachment styles and what I had been learning in school, and apologized for the things I had done thus far that were not creating a secure base for him or being true to myself. The conversation actually went really smoothly because he also was vulnerable enough to share he was an avoidant attachment as well and he had some background on the subject. I was able to share somethings that scared me about vulnerability and commit to him, and myself, that I would be more responsive and open. He was impressed with my desire to improve which lead to more questions my belief in the plasticity of attachment styles.
Things to Remember
These may seem random, but through all the study and focus I have put into this topic, I wanted to give a peek into the raw notes I have taken. These are the things I have found that I never want to forget.
Ghosting goes against our core belief of belonging (Hill, 2023). we need to remember that their is a human being on the other side. They need closure.
When you've made up your mind to break-up with someone, do it quickly. Be direct, honest, and allow space between the two of you. Remaining friends can create more pain if one is holding onto hope. After breaking up let yourself work through the grieving process and let it go (Wells, 1982).
If you are feeling trapped in a relationship that means you are not showing up (Hill, 2023). People can't treat you right if you are not communicating what you need.
You can create a secure base for others by being available (Hill, 2023). This means being responsive, checking in with one another, and comforting each other. We need to help each other back to Heaven and we do that by responding.
There are many signs that show it would be better to break up with someone, and that is a healthy part of the selection process in courtship. No relationship is problem free but indicators that you would be better with someone else includes: Feeling obligated to do tasks you should freely want to do - You "test" and manipulate each other to see if they care as much as you - inability to communicate on the same level - being emotionally drained/starved - feeling like you need to save or fix the other person (Wells, 1982).
You can create a secure base by not interfering with the others goals (Hill, 2023). Give them control and let them seek individuality. Support their goals and dreams. Pursue what your excited about and let them do the same.
You can be a secure base by encouraging your significant other (Hill, 2023). You provide opportunities for growth individually and together. They are counting on you.
If you or someone else thinks they are not ready to get into a relationship that is okay. but you need to be honest and ask, " what needs to happen, or what do you need to know so that you are ready?" (Hill, 2023).
The art of checking in and scaling 1-10:
Physical- how is your sleep? aches? fitness? diet?
Emotional- how are you feeling?
spiritual- what is connecting you to heaven? what is strengthening your testimony?
Intellectual- what are you creating? what are you learning?
Sexual ( when married)- you are each others stewards.
How are you being true to yourself?
come up with ideas together to move towards health (Hill, 2023).
It is worth your time to get to know some (Hill, 2023). Don't be too hasty to turn someone down or end a relationship. Relationships are worth the risk.
Anytime tears come, it is coming from a sacred place. Always hallow tears (Hill, 2023).
Phases of love:
Harmony - love without knowledge. you can't see any faults in your partner
Disillusionment: knowledge without love. You recognize your spouses faults and experience normal marital hate. It occurs in all relationships, usually in the first year of marriage, but it will get better.
Repair: knowing each other with mature love. you see the good and the garbage, and intentionally focus on the good. You know your spouse is worth it (Hill, 2023).
You become the right person by developing personal security. You Understand and recognize your individual worth and true identity (Carroll, 2018). This will help you self soothe and emotionally regulate.
" Developing in us is every organ, attribute, sense, sympathy, affection, of will, wisdom, love, power, and gift which is possessed of God himself (Carroll, 2018)." This was said by Parley P. Pratt and helps me recognize my divine nature.
To become the right person you have to be an effective communicator. This means being authentic in our conversations by saying what you mean and meaning what you say (Carroll, 2018). This is also something I have struggled with and I think a prime example is when my actions are not aligned with what I say.
You become the right person by developing marital virtues. This would include the virtue of friendship, fairness, generosity, and loyalty (Carroll, 2018).
To have a strengthen a marriage you can intentionally devote 5 extra hours to the marriage each week. In these five hours you can learn about each others day, have a stress-reducing conversation, do something every day to show genuine affection and appreciation, and go on a weekly date (Carroll, 2018).
You become the right person by developing empathetically listening to others. This means connecting with another person so you can fully understand what they are saying and feeling (Carroll, 2018).
When we won't share our true feelings, trust and intimacy can not be developed or maintained (Carroll, 2018). This is a stark wake up call to be vulnerable. I value closeness but am also uncomfortable by it. Sometimes I find myself withholding my true feelings but to think of it this way can help me be bold.
Poor listening happens because we have a habit of tuning out, because we are bombarded with stimuli, and because we can listen much faster than others can talk, Which means we aren't using our full brain capacity when we listen and may use the extra capacity to let our mind wander (Carroll, 2018). I think this is important because I'm guilty of being an ineffective listener. I think being aware of the causes of poor listening, can help us be self-aware, and redirect our minds to analyze what is really being said.
A great form of effectively communicating is using I-statements instead of you- statements. This places the responsibility on yourself, clarifies feelings, builds trust by giving personal information, and is less threatening(Carroll, 2018).
Other Resources
1
The Psychology of Attraction
This video has so much value information but what has really become relevant to my studies these last month is what each gender values in a significant others. Women value emotionally closeness, family values ( they aren't going to kill a child), respect (priesthood), and romantic gestures ( doing things without being asked). Men value a recreational companion, physical/verbal reassurance, attractiveness in their own eyes, and being needed (2019). This doesn't mean they exclusively value these things but shows what's most important to men and women is different. This can be very important when trying to meet each others needs and showing others you are interested/ invested.
2
Big Girl Bark
Another video, but may be more surprising. This is a bluey episode, the Australian children's show that is sweeping the nation, but I am including it because it is something I have learned from and think about often. In this episode, the little dog feels like her father plays too rough but instead of speaking up she gets dazed and runs away to cry (2022). I've learned a lot about setting boundaries, and have had practice, but sometimes when a boundary is crossed for me, instead of speaking up, I freeze. I get flustered and frustrated with myself. This bluey episode's underlying theme relates to moral values and sex education to help children keep themselves safe, but is something I am still learning at twenty-one. This video inspires me to use my big girl bark and speak my mind.
What are you going to do?
The first thing I am going to do relates to the vulnerable conversations I had about my Avoidant attachment style. I am going to work towards becoming a secure attachment to others. The first thing I did to work towards this goal was buying and reading the book Attached. My professor had recommended this book to those who wanted to learn and work on their attachment style. I think the more self-aware we are the more we can change because we can recognize the need to change. An example, I have recognized I am not as responsive as I should be in order to be a secure base for someone. Since recognizing that I have made an added effort to respond quickly to the texts I receive.
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Something else I am also doing is working on being a more effective communicator. I was frustrated that I felt I wasn't living my why and others were pushing me away from that. It was pointed out to me that people can't treat you right if they don't understand you. I come from a background of poor communication, which may explain the avoidant attachment, but I want to be a transitional character. I often hold in my own thoughts if they don't align with what the other person is saying or doing, but instead I want to be able to build trust and intimacy's by sharing my true feelings. I am going to consciously choose to share my thoughts in a non-defensive way by not letting my emotions control my words and striving to listen to others with my ears and my heart. I think one reason I hold back my true opinions is because I am afraid of making others uncomfortable or upset. However, if I am able to listen with empathy I think people will respect my genuine feelings.
References
Carroll, J. S. (2018). The marriage compass: Using gospel principles and relationship science to
navigate the course of dating, engagement, & marriage. BYU Academic Publishing.
Wells, M. G. (1982, June 1). Breaking up without going to pieces. When Dating Doesn't End in
Marriage. Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1982/06/breaking-up-without-going-to-pieces-when-dating-doesnt-end-in-marriage?lang=eng
YouTube. (2019, February 12). The Psychology of Attraction. YouTube. Retrieved March 15, 2023, from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2yx6HIm7hQ&t=1775s
YouTube. (2022, November 21). Yoga ball | full episode | bluey. YouTube. Retrieved March 15, 2023,